in the making

"What is my life?"

I battle with this question often.

Prior to and during my adventure with birdy & rae it was in the context of internal conflict. What was I doing with my life, really? Was I where I was supposed to be? Is my life really supposed to revolve around... just... me? If purpose is the point, I didn't want to miss mine. The turmoil of my own selfishness, especially given that my faith in Christ points me to live outside the bounds of my self-absorbed walls, began to eat at me. If we talk like we know how we should be living but don't actually live it, do we really believe what we profess to?

All this and more ringing, ringing, ringing in my ears. The more I read the Bible and study who Jesus is, the more I become convinced my life was (and is) in need of radical change. Sometimes we have to unhinge ourselves from the patterns of a comfortable life in order to figure out what really lurks inside of us. I believe that, undoubtedly, God works his miracles the most in our weakness because He has always had a heart for the afflicted.

You may have read the post I wrote at the beginning of January. "When anxiety and sadness knock at my door I am going to close my eyes and clear my mind and seek Jesus," I said. The morning I wrote that I had just arrived in Nashville where I cozied myself in a coffee shop, the conviction of a message I'd listened to lingering in my mind. Pastor John Mark Comer of Bridgetown Church in Portland (a wonderful recommendation from a friend) spoke of what it looks like to die to self and why Jesus asks us to do it. It's not because He's trying to be morbid or cruel, or even set a standard too high to obtain. Jesus asks us to die to self because in doing so we find the purest form of freedom from the weight of constant, obsessive desire for approval and self-gratification. The things we cling to in these pursuits are hollow; they leave us hungry. I've been hungry for a long time. Hungry for truth. Hungry to know what it looks like to really live for Christ.

The past few weeks I've started to read a book by Chris Hedges called Losing Moses on the Freeway. He writes, "We are joined together, Augustine wrote, as a community by our love of the same object. Human love, he wrote, is always directed either toward God or the self. There are no other choices. The other loves we have in life, the love of status, the love of possessions, the love of power, are always the love of self. We have, Augustine argued, two choices in life. We can embrace the City of God, where we struggle to love to the exclusion of self, a love that forces us to negate ourselves and our security to conserve, preserve and protect others, or we can embrace the City of Man where unbridled self-interest makes us all enemies." It's easy to love [and live for] yourself. Easy - but barren of true joy. This conviction has wrung itself over and over in my mind but in languages I couldn't quite understand or fully articulate. Even in the first few months of this journey it was easy for me to make it about myself. On the drive from Tulsa to Nashville I prayed in the rawness of this heart for change and asked God to please, please, please show me where to go. I was a nomad out here on this journey into the unknown. I wanted to lose myself to Christ but I didn't know how I was supposed to do it on my own. Please, please, please Lord show me where to go.

The next day, I left that cozied coffee shop having written the last blog post and went to meet up with some old friends of my brother. All I really knew was that Austin and Kristin worked for a ministry in Nashville. The last time I'd seen them was over a decade ago, but I figured I'd stop by, say hello and be on my way. God had other plans. I arrived at Austin's work, Global Outreach Development International, and he gave me a tour and explained the (many) inner workings of their nonprofit. They are mission-minded, working frequently in third world countries to help develop and provide for various needs (agriculture, medical, building, teaching). They are also an educational institute, where you can learn and hone skills necessary to serve those in third world countries, while establishing a foundational understanding of the Bible. They partner with a network of (internal) local for-profit companies that service the non-profit and make it possible for students to work their way through a debt-free education. There are so many things that work together cohesively with the ultimate mission of loving people like Jesus loved people. Never before have I encountered such an immediate answer to prayer. The people here are some of the most genuine, accepting, hospitable people you'll ever meet. All with hearts and minds sincerely seeking truth, carrying out the call of Christ to die to themselves and love others.

I've listened to amazing story after amazing story of how God brought people here and my heart is so full. I carry with me this peace. I can't quite explain it, but I just know this is where I'm supposed to be. God has literally worked everything out. I've enrolled in part-time classes, and plan to begin the process of learning how I can be of service in a third world country, meeting people and loving them wherever the need is. I hope to work/save for a trip to the Philippines this summer. The wedding company, Details Nashville, has employed me as a bartender/server and I'll hopefully be able to apprentice with some of the talented photographers there. The recording and video studio recruited some of my skills as an art director to assist with their videos projects. A family in the area offered to help me co-parent Ollie in the wake of tricky housing situations; he is so sweet with their adorable kiddos who love him well and match his energy. I've started to make friends it feels like I've known for a lifetime. This peace soldiers on in my heart and I am overjoyed that God has brought me here.

Now, when I think "What is my life?" the context is much different. I know it's in the making. I think about it with awe and wonder. I think about it and marvel at how good God is. I think about it and there's peace. I wandered out into the abyss and God is here. Love is here. So, onward I go on another sort of journey. Thank you guys for sticking with me through this one. It has forever changed me. I am so humbled and thankful for you.

Josie