lost and found and repeat
anx·i·e·ty
aNGˈzīədē/
noun
a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
Never have I been acquainted with this noun more so than in the past few months. To be honest, I’ve been avoiding you. I’ve been avoiding this post because I knew that it was going to take an irritating amount of vulnerability to say what I need say. I don’t know that sincere vulnerability has ever been my strong point. I’ve always wanted to find the silver lining - to twist it upward, to point toward the source of hope and life and love and believe that there is some sort of beauty to be found in the chaos. That being said, sometimes chaos is just chaotic. Pain is painful. Loneliness is lonely. They don’t want to be met with justifications or happy resolutions or whimsical quotes to ease their frantic nature. Even when those resolutions are more often than not the truth.
When I arrived in Texas, a part of me expected there to be this happy path of provisions and jobs and friends that unveiled itself at my feet as I stepped forth into a new, exciting, unknown place. I have always been much too romantic in that regard for my own good. Needless to say, that has not been how it worked out. I was met soon after with a terrible anxiety. A brutal realization that I needed to get my life figured out, and fast. As I drove through suburb after suburb of middle class families with well-off lives I looked at my little tin home on wheels and felt a sudden panic. What was I thinking leaving my wonderful job in washington for this? What was I thinking being so selfish as to assume the world was at my fingertips if I only believed the best? What the hell was I thinking? I have no income, no husband, no pretty wardrobe or fancy car. My friends have got their own lovely drum to march to in their busy lives and by all means my community is crumbling. Everything is uncertain. Literally. Everything. And that hit me hard. I had no desire to write, no desire to begin to summarize my adventure. I was, and still struggle to be, blinded by a monstrosity of worries as to how exactly my future will pan out.
As I stuck the key in the ignition with sights on Tulsa, I set foot once again on an adventure with no known outcome. I put my phone on Spotify shuffle and a song came on by James Vincent McMorrow called Lost Angles - somehow I hadn’t heard it before. He sings,
“To live your life in shallow water or risk failure drowning in the deep end. So you fear it. You fear that every move you make is just a hammer, you are just a nail - but you’re not. Don’t let fear control you. Don’t let fear control you.”
And I had - I’d let fear control me. My heart had grown icy with the chill. Do I risk failure drowning in the deep end, free falling into Christ? Or do I live my life in the shallow water - the warmth - where everyone I see is settling in nicely in their beach chairs, looking down at their phones. I let circumstances be the hammer that drove me into my place. Out here, for a moment, I let circumstances define me. And it broke me.
When I think about why I’ve felt so anxious this past month, I think it has something to do with this desire - this desire to impress you. Somewhere deep in me there’s that still nagging voice that wants your affirmation. I’m waiting on the approval, the praise, the respect my ego tells me I deserve. The other day I flipped on a message that BEGGED me to consider whether I feared men more than I feared God. Was I living my life more concerned with how people perceive me than how God perceives me? People don’t typically look at you and see your heart - they look at you through a lens of expectation predetermined by popular culture. Are you dressed in the trendiest clothes? Do you drive a nice car? Is your face fresh and clean? Do you smell nice? Is your occupation noteworthy?
Is that an expectation I really want to fret about?
To be more concerned with this expectation than with God’s is to take your eyes off of Jesus and look down at yourself. If you look at yourself for too long, you become your own god. Your own idol, caught up in the world’s idea of success and greatness. The world’s “greatness” shouts at us through every billboard advertisement. There’s usually a new idea, a new investment into what it takes to be great every year. The next best device, the newly styled home, the neatly dressed wardrobe, the well-traveled couple. Success is merciless, a self-gratifying machine that has no love for you; it wants what you can give it. And it will run you dry until you are empty, old, “successful”, and wondering where your life went and why you spent so long trying to impress people.
NO. I get this one life. WE get this one life. Don’t waste it chasing a fantasy that begs you to spend more to get it. We can be happy with little - Jesus loves to use little for big things because his strength is made perfect in weakness.
When anxiety and sadness knock at my door I am going to close my eyes and clear my mind and seek Jesus. He sees my selfish pursuits and still lavishes me in hope and grace and relentless love. We have a choice. Everyday we have a choice to look down at ourselves OR to look to God and let him set us on fire for a life of adventure and love. His love never fails.
Thank you for listening to my heart and ramblings and struggles. I'll continuing this journey onto Nashville, Georgia, D.C., and Colorado.. in no particular order or timeframe. Stopping in one place if that's where God wants me to be. I could use your prayer, always, and am happy to pray for you + eternally available to chat if you give me a call.
Love, Josie
